inspired by her: i thought, this is my life, this will have to do.


last night i swam, thought about how i'm not really a swimmer, certainly not like the swimmer next to me, hell, i don't even have a swim cap or goggles, good god i am not a swimmer why am i swimming.
the ladies showed up early for class, so i floated around and talked to them sitting on the side of the pool, and one of them brought up again how i should consider midwifery, and how she would love to hire me, and i think she thinks i wouldn't lose my mind out of sheer 'holy shit-ness' if i delivered an actual living baby. the class started, and we giggled like usual, and laughed at how there are babies in all of them, but they are all such different moms already. one has shoes to match every outfit, and one hasn't bought a single thing. they are both going to be good moms, but last night we just laughed at how that is possible.
i then made my weekly amy/ken rounds to drink wine and watch greys and talk during the commercials. we talked about my boy of the month (s), and her little sons, and how boys are boys, 3-30. she had dinner ready for me again, and told me stories about her meeting ken and falling in love and we poured white wine into our red wine glasses to make rose. she listened to my s fears, and as i walked out of the door she had me laughing loud at my own silliness, and inablity to deal.
i went on a late night blind date after that-- he was all muscles and long pauses and stares and wanted me to have another drink, or maybe go somewhere else, and i was all 'maybe this could work, but only for a night' but refused the drink, and the offer of a new location, and came home to a text from him that i answered with an 'i don't think we should see each other again' email.
i'm still unsure about s, and he's spending the weekend with boys, and with mourning, and i today i want to ask him to just call my in three months when things have settled, and he has settled so we can see then. new things are hard.
this morning i taught class, and then sat in the nicu with a new mom and her freshy twins and freshy worry. i missed my mom.

yesyes-- i thought, this is my life, this will have to do.