it's not silly, or funny, but i was struck today about why i keep coming back to exercising. it really has little to do with how i look, because apparently i'm just supposed to weigh this much, and no matter what i do, how little i eat, how much i drink, how fat i feel, it's the same. It's been this way for a good year now, and while most days i think 'hooray curvy strong body!' i also sometimes think 'sweet jesus i will never be a small girl' and it sort of gets me blue. but that blue-ness, that's not why i exercise.


i haven't posted it here, but i've got some ick-ick neurological thing, and the docs are saying it could get worse, and worse looks like a wheelchair, and maybe a blind cane. it used to make me mad, and now it just makes me think. some days i exercise because i can, and i maybe won't be able to tomorrow, but most days that's not why i exercise.


i did my first triathlon in may, and it was the most satisfying experience i've ever had. no creative experience, or moment in a relationship, or journey has made me feel so capable. i trained alone, and competed alone, and beat even my secret goal, the one that was 10 minutes less than what i told everyone my goal was. i got to swim in a big cold lake, and bike up big hills, and run beside big trees. and i totally didn't suck. i didn't win, but i didn't even come close to sucking.


i exercise because it brings me back to myself. i can't think petty thoughts when i'm trying catch my breath. i can't miss anyone when i feel like i'm about to hurl. i can't worry about what i'll say on the phone when i'm watching the stopwatch. back in the water, back on the bike, back on the trail. i'm better there.