holy hell. look what i bought (!).

oh jeez everything here in atlanta is screaming HEAT ADVISORY and IT'S TOO SMOGGY TO BREATHE and HOTTEST DAY OF THE WHOLE HISTORY OF THE WORLD and yes, when i go outside i think Aww fuck, my legs are tingling, but mostly i'm just sitting inside, ac at 69 degrees, so happy happy for this forced vacation.

it's not silly, or funny, but i was struck today about why i keep coming back to exercising. it really has little to do with how i look, because apparently i'm just supposed to weigh this much, and no matter what i do, how little i eat, how much i drink, how fat i feel, it's the same. It's been this way for a good year now, and while most days i think 'hooray curvy strong body!' i also sometimes think 'sweet jesus i will never be a small girl' and it sort of gets me blue. but that blue-ness, that's not why i exercise.


i haven't posted it here, but i've got some ick-ick neurological thing, and the docs are saying it could get worse, and worse looks like a wheelchair, and maybe a blind cane. it used to make me mad, and now it just makes me think. some days i exercise because i can, and i maybe won't be able to tomorrow, but most days that's not why i exercise.


i did my first triathlon in may, and it was the most satisfying experience i've ever had. no creative experience, or moment in a relationship, or journey has made me feel so capable. i trained alone, and competed alone, and beat even my secret goal, the one that was 10 minutes less than what i told everyone my goal was. i got to swim in a big cold lake, and bike up big hills, and run beside big trees. and i totally didn't suck. i didn't win, but i didn't even come close to sucking.


i exercise because it brings me back to myself. i can't think petty thoughts when i'm trying catch my breath. i can't miss anyone when i feel like i'm about to hurl. i can't worry about what i'll say on the phone when i'm watching the stopwatch. back in the water, back on the bike, back on the trail. i'm better there.